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The poo & guff thread...

Notmegov said:
Wow California has got its grips on you... but never mind that. do you feel better for it?

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It has finally, finally managed to sink it's hairy healthy teeth in mate, and yes, I have to say I feel much much better. In fact, I can confirm that the only time I have anything more than a 3 wiper now is if I forget the probiotic. Of course I'd say the lack of bacon and pork products helps immensely. I am, however, happy to report that there is still a substantial (and magnificent) curler most mornings after breakfast and coffee. Proud, girthy, solid and an escape artist which leaves behind minimal forensic evidence of it's presence!
 
Dayo said:
Speaking of taps, every Saturday morning without fail I have what I like to call "Taparse". The stress of the previous couple of days results in a chocolate fondue fountain pumping relentlessly. Sometimes I spot what I think is a bit of marshmallow in there to add to the illusion but I won't be doing a taste test anytime soon unless I accidentally get a bit under my nails.

edit just to add that i've just googled "taparse" thinking I invented the phrase but it looks like someone beat me to it.
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I believe this is edging close to poetry...sorry...pooetry!
 
Just got home after a long day in London. Needed one for hours but was so tired was going to just go to sleep. Decided to let it all out instead. Feel about 2 stone lighter and alot more conformable. Nothing like a good poo.
 
At work there's no lock on the toilet door and I'm new, the last thing I want to do is let rip a crowd disperser or drop a gut whilst getting to know people, despite the overwhelming temptation to do so.

This leaves a big problem, I have to hold in a big load of cake mix in during the whole shift making my journey home feel very uncomfortable aka Barbarians banging on the gates of Rome. On Thursday it was the worst it's been so far, the bus was late, walk home from the stop felt like an eternity as I had a big mound of clay knocking on my ballon knot. When I got back home I ignored everyone and went straight for the throne, I sat down and planted a great big dirty coconut, by far one of the best I've done in years, well and truly filled the pan.
 
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spurs' magna carter said:
At work there's no lock on the toilet door and I'm new, the last thing I want to do is let rip a crowd disperser or drop a gut whilst getting to know people, despite the overwhelming temptation to do so.

This leaves a big problem, I have to hold in a big load of cake mix in during the whole shift making my journey home feel very uncomfortable aka Barbarians banging on the gates of Rome. On Thursday it was the worst it's been so far, the bus was late, walk home from the stop felt like an eternity as I had a big mound of clay knocking on my ballon knot. When I got back home I ignored everyone and went straight for the throne, I sat down and planted a great big dirty coconut, by far one of the best I've done in years, well and truly filled the pan.
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Its not good for your insides to hold in a poo all day though matey
 
I do a night course in welding ( so i can make random stuff around the place) i swear my anal breeze smells slightly of hot/burning metal on a Tuesday morning.
 
Didnt go at all yesterday, this morning hasn't been a nice experience, lumps of sticky tarm-like dump, now been 3 times and its now as hot as the sun coming out of my ****

Yikes !!!! haha
 
Mine all seem to be like maltesers at the moment. Need more fibre I think. Had one a few days back where all the maltesers had clumped together to form some horrendous shape that just wasn't meant to be pushed out of an ****. Have you ever sat down for a **** and quickly realised the approaching log is a bit too big to pass smoothly and panick sets in? It was one of those,I had to help it out
 
I sympathise with your plight. Recently I have left the bog having shat a right royal mess, thinking it was to be your run of the mill crap. Strange times
 
Had a big night on the booze lastnight, feeling really hungover still, I just farted and it smelt that bad it actually made me throw up, not good
 
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Saw that fantastic 'in behind enemy lines' account when poos go wrong, and thought of this thread. Especially having had a near pooy death experience (for my career) when there were no poo tickets left and had to stride around the toilet cubicles looking to relieve myself of the crappy mess from my hole
 
Just had my first dump since Tuesday afternoon. It was completed in utter silence until the very end where my **** let out a triumphant bottom belch. It was like when you burp at the end of a meal to signal that you are full, except this was the opposite.
 
Blocked the loo with turdasaurus yesterday, had to smash the ****er up with the bog brush once I got in from w##k and the water level was back below seat level...
 
I hate when there is a queue for your bog when you are doing the deed. You don't feel as though you can get stuck in as much for fear of it being your boss listening in to see whether the way you brick is representative of how you would carry yourself in a boardroom
 
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