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The poo & guff thread...

If I wasn't in such shock I would probably be embarrassed.
I've not eaten since Sunday dinner time and i'm not sure my body is too happy about it. I've just gone to do the lightest of farts with no effort whilst watching the tele with my feet up and followed through badly. It looked like curry sauce. I've had to change my shorts. I'm not sure I should be sharing this really but this is the poo and guff thread after all.
 
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Ive had 2 bananas, 2 apples and now a chicken salad, but my ar5e is telling me to go and do a big poo.

I am going now (hate going in my lunch feels like im wasting my own time) and will tell you if its bad...

Edit. Bit of a Bruce Ringsting. No idea where that has come from. Maybe I wiped too hard. Good fresh smell though and will leave a certaig sting in someones nose when they go into the lavatory.
 
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thfcsteff said:
Nightmare scenario on my flight today. Went in, settled down for a bit of brown chuntering, 5 minutes idle daydreaming whilst hatching what did feel like a toffee river to be fair...but then came the horror! Good grief, not a two-wiper, or a 4 or even a 6...the dreaded Dirty Dozen which STILL needed (in my hygienic opinion) the intervention of heavy gauge paper towel soaked in warm water from the immediately adjacent sink! Last night's dinner did include a fantastic filet mignon and a 1982 Lynch Bages (red), but you'd have thought that the sheer quality of said-dinner would NOT eject itself in such a filthy, smudgly fashion! Needless to say, after two flushes I washed my hands thoroughly with warm soapy water. Thank GHod the pervasive smell was the 'blue loo' stuff and that half the plane was dark/asleep...
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We should hang out more...
 
[video=youtube;09Z9bh51Lkk]http://www.youtube.com/watch?feature=player_embedded&v=09Z9bh51Lkk[/video]
 
I'm still amazed by the one i curled out a while back. I'm thinking about having the photo made into a canvas and hanging it in the bog
 
Had a shocker of a poo tonight. I let it out and then looked at it and saw that this was going to take a few flushes before wiping my arse. I proceeded to flush it 3 or 4 times before realising this monster wasn't going to go down without a fight. I didn't want to wipe because the poo and the toilet roll would have formed a cement type wall eventually blocking my toilet. So whilst in some sort of squat position so my arse cheeks didn't flump together in some sort of poo sandwich, I fought with that piece of turd until it was no more. I then wiped my arse, sprayed a whole can of air freshener and got on my way.
 
Why is it that you can have a clean brick, where it all comes out cleanly and yet you need to wipe loads? And yet, you can have the messiest brick ever and you don't need to wipe? Doesn't make sense!!

Sometimes with the clean feeling poo it feels like you have to scrub another poo out before you're done!! Why didn't it materialise when you were going?!
 
Just despicable smudgery going on right now, thank christ for Cottonelles, my arse-hairs are getting thick coat of brown paint every time and I am not happy! I feel like a toothpaste tube being gently squeezed but always with some left near the tip!
 
I was stood in one of the offices at work yesterday and played a quick game of unexpected fart tennis. I let out a brisk cheerful PAAARRPP. The person I was stood with then let out a slightly longer and louder reply. I instantly hit back with a trouser cracking noise that sounded like Morph being strangled. We then hear a banging on the office wall.
As I exit the room and walk past the next office I see that our manager is in the middle of talking to a couple of very important visitors.
 
Dayo said:
I was stood in one of the offices at work yesterday and played a quick game of unexpected fart tennis. I let out a brisk cheerful PAAARRPP. The person I was stood with then let out a slightly longer and louder reply. I instantly hit back with a trouser cracking noise that sounded like Morph being strangled. We then hear a banging on the office wall.
As I exit the room and walk past the next office I see that our manager is in the middle of talking to a couple of very important visitors.
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hahahahah i always play fart tennis on the train with my pal
 
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